dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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