you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
