i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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