Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
