what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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