im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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