My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
