Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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