i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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