I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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