I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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