you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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