It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
