Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
