I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
