please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
