Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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