Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
