Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
