Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
