Don't make out with my wife yet
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
