Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
