you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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