I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
