Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I cannot find my penis.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
