Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
