$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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