i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I need a burrito and a hug.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
