defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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