I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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