p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
