Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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