note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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