i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
