and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
