you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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