The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
