I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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