My first STD was from a foam party
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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