grandma shit on top of the toilet
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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