Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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