i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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