Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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