my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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