I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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