Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
