just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
