Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Your dad touched me again.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
