I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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