Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
