you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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