I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
