i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize