She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
