I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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