pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
