My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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