the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
