Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
please come you make the beer taste better
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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