I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
