If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
